The opportunity to write and share poetry with amazing teachers and poets has truly inspired me. I wrote a poem and we workshopped it the second week of the workshop. I revised it and the revised poem is below. I'd love feedback. If you'd like to read the first draft of the poem, click here...
I spent some time with the notes and suggestions from other teacher poets and here's my revised poem...what do you think?
At ten years
old, I begged
Please! Mom
PLEASE! I want a pair of Dr. Scholl’s…
just like
everyone else!
Gripping my red
Dr. Scholl’s
I carefully put
them on
all day…..
blister my feet
and cause me to trip.
I return to my
flip-flops,
I’m not like
everyone else…
My brown-bagged
lunch
sits in front
of me in the teacher’s room,
reaching in I
grab a vitamin water and my peanut butter sandwich.
As I peel back
the silvery foil I hear
An innocent
voice in a room, crowded with familiar
Did your
husband make your lunch?
The foil rips
and I smooth
out the wrinkles,
Avoiding eye
contact, I say
That would be
remarkable...but I don’t have one.
The
self-deprecating laugh doesn’t hide the pain,
Instead shines
a spotlight
I’m not like
everyone else...
Another table,
another day,
another
innocent question
So do you have
kids?
My breath
catches as I imagine saying Yes.
How I long to
say yes…
and to tell
stories of my kids and their antics,
to complain
about no sleep and
shake my head
while admitting that it’s all worth it…
Instead, I say No.
No.
But it doesn’t
tell the whole story…
The story of
how I spent a year preparing to adopt a child
The story of
how I came within weeks of adopting a precious little boy
instead my
hands, my hugs, and my heart remain empty
for now
Blistered feet,
empty hugs
Mementos of my
story
MY STORY
Not like anyone
else…
I get a clearer understanding of how the first stanza goes with the whole poem. It ties the string, so to speak. I am wondering if you claim your story because you used all caps with MY STORY. Do you own it and think you are OK even though it is not anyone else's story? The words 'blistered feet, empty hugs" make me feel sad and I want to shout that you are OK to be who you are. I'm not sure if that is what you want to say here, though. Also the structure of the last stanza is smaller. Maybe somehow let us know that your story is not finished yet. That you are still seeking and opening your arms to possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI think the shift from "I'm not like everyone else" to "Not like anyone else" works, Michelle. The change signals growth and acceptance within you to embrace your individuality. I also like how you bring the "blistered feet" back from the beginning, tying it all together. I'm sorry I missed today's session, but I'm looking forward to meeting you tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
ReplyDeleteThere is a clear pathway from the first stanza to the last with much more power in your words. You changed the look and feel of the poem in this final rewrite. The repetitive phrase, I’m not like everyone else... works well and moves beautifully to the last thought where you are lingering, allowing the reader to wonder what the future holds for you. I can see that you spent considerable time mulling over the comments before you came to this final piece of poetry. I am impressed by what you accomplished.