I'm feeling like a fake...a fraud. Last night I had nightmares filled with bad things happening and I awoke (at 4AM) with a start. And now I'm feeling guilty for feeling so bad. My life is filled with so many blessings. Family that loves me. Friends that know me. Teaching...a job that's more than a job to me. I just came off a week at two unbelievable conferences and a lovely Thanksgiving holiday. There's no reason to feel anxious and alone and sad, yet I do.
It's the transition.
I'm grateful to writing. Writing always, always, always helps me figure out the whys of my feelings! As I reread what I wrote above, I know exactly why I'm feeling like this. I spent six days with people. Six days in a hotel room. Six days surrounded by friends, new and old. Six days talking about teaching and writing and reading. Six days excited about possibilities. Six days learning new things. And now...I'm alone again.
It's okay. I'm okay...I will be. I've never been the person that needed to be with someone to avoid being alone, but as I grow older I recognize the difficulty that I have transitioning. Spending six days with people all day and all night is a huge change for me. In my daily routine, there are days when I speak to no one but my dog Bella. The change is like a shock to my system. I work hard to cushion it. I keep busy....reading, painting, chores, errands...but now I realize all that did was delay it. I wonder, does everyone struggle with transitions from trips to daily life? I'm sure they do. What do your transitions feel like?
This will settle. Life will soon feel normal again and I will cherish the quiet moments and celebrate the freedom that comes with being single. Until then, I cry a bit and allow myself to feel the sadness...knowing it will pass. My Dad always said, "You have one day, Michelle. You get a day to let yourself be sad. Cry. And the next day, jump back into life!" I guess today is my day.
It's the transition.
I'm grateful to writing. Writing always, always, always helps me figure out the whys of my feelings! As I reread what I wrote above, I know exactly why I'm feeling like this. I spent six days with people. Six days in a hotel room. Six days surrounded by friends, new and old. Six days talking about teaching and writing and reading. Six days excited about possibilities. Six days learning new things. And now...I'm alone again.
It's okay. I'm okay...I will be. I've never been the person that needed to be with someone to avoid being alone, but as I grow older I recognize the difficulty that I have transitioning. Spending six days with people all day and all night is a huge change for me. In my daily routine, there are days when I speak to no one but my dog Bella. The change is like a shock to my system. I work hard to cushion it. I keep busy....reading, painting, chores, errands...but now I realize all that did was delay it. I wonder, does everyone struggle with transitions from trips to daily life? I'm sure they do. What do your transitions feel like?
This will settle. Life will soon feel normal again and I will cherish the quiet moments and celebrate the freedom that comes with being single. Until then, I cry a bit and allow myself to feel the sadness...knowing it will pass. My Dad always said, "You have one day, Michelle. You get a day to let yourself be sad. Cry. And the next day, jump back into life!" I guess today is my day.
Sorry for your sadness. I don't like to be alone either. I am definitely a people person. I understand your sadness. Hope you feel less sad soon...
ReplyDeleteOh my, I totally get this! I think coming down off trips like you had is SO hard! When Ed and I took a weekend trip to D.C. in October, I was grumpy the whole next week. Ha. NCTE is filled with such excitement and like-minded people; it fills you with joy. When you come back to normalcy, you have to fight your way back to that feeling. It will come again! In the meantime, a day to be sad is perfectly ok!
ReplyDeleteYour post is an example of the power of writing linked to the process of thinking and coming to understand. Transitions are hard. I learned something about how to make sense of them through reading your post. In recent years I have been in transition from my 6th-8th grade classroom to my role as a teacher educator. Though that was not the context of your post, the way you were thinking about transitioning from conferences back to everyday life helps me to think about my own transition. You are prompting a lot of thinking, giving me more ideas for what I might want my OLW 2015 to be.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm right there with you! I've been cleaning and re organizing to get me back to the day to day. I love how writing helps and how you share your process. Know you aren't alone :)
ReplyDeleteTransitions are hard - especially when we're moving from such a packed event like NCTE back to our daily lives - but naming the hard parts, confronting them, and then moving on are marks of strength. And finding your way back through writing is so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHug. And cheers to writing!
ReplyDeleteOh yes! We totally get it! I get hit on the Friday of any school break when I feel like everyone is going somewhere but us ...that I only have more school work and house work to look forward to...Home is where I always love to be...but on those days I find it more challenging to count my blessings! Wink!
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